Mommy's Memories: Is It My Fault?

But I tried to do everything right! I took my vitamins, went to my doctor appointments, ate healthily, and got extra rest. Where did I go wrong? This is an excerpt of the tormenting thoughts that haunted me after hearing my child's diagnosis. As soon as she was born, we were told Maddie was deaf. I couldn't help but continually check the lists of "right" things that I did. Needless to say, these mental acrobats were useless. I even asked her doctors to blame me, as if that would help, but they wouldn't budge. Instead I would grow to understand there are some codes that can't be cracked. Three days after giving birth and the same day of our discharge I made up my mind that I had received this amazing gift, and nothing would rob me of this special feeling. I also mustered the courage to express that I didn't believe the doctor's report. We took our baby home and for a year refused to go back for hearing tests because I truly believed she responded to my voice and needed some time to resolve my own truth. After a year of protesting hearing appointments, her diagnosis changed from being fully deaf to conductive hearing loss. I was elated! But even this new remedy was no remedy for the reoccurring thoughts of failing my child in some way. Welp, if you are reading for a silver lining... there isn't one. While I know that I didn't harm or fail my child, that doesn't keep the negative thoughts from forming from time to time. However, I am now better at telling those thoughts where to go. They don't belong here and are not true. Now, I extend my continual lessons learned your way; It's NOT your fault. There's probably nothing you an do to change _______ (fill in the blank diagnosis or situation). There are some things in life that just are without explanation. But what I can tell you is you can make STRAWBERRY LEMONADE from yellow lemons if you want to. While we can't control what happens to us, we can "work the hell out of Option B" in my Sherly Sandberg voice. Let's make a decision to make medical professionals cross every I and dot every T, but once they do, move on. Accept that God chose you to develop your child into the best self he/she can be. This is when the magic happens. Our focus shifts to supporting, advocating, and positioning our children for success.